omfg.

gonna be a rough patch ahead.

it is times like this that makes me understand why some people choose to jump off that 81 storey skyscraper. makes me see the attractiveness of takin the easy way out.
yes it's cowardly, your soul would be ripped godknows how many times in your after-life, if there is even such a thing. but on the flipside, it would end this incessant mental anguish, the endless droll in your ear. it would end the need to pull yourself up every mornin knowin that there's the same old battle to fight. it would end the insecurity, the jealousy, the anger, the awkward feelin of bein so outstandingly inadequate; that has been ingrained so deeply inside you that you know they'll never ever go away.

you push yourself, try to get yourself to believe, to have faith. because she told you to be strong, to grin and bear the pain. she said it'll get better with time, it always does.
but with time, the only realization that you come to is that, she lied.
but you dont blame her. because she is the epitome of perfection. yes she has her flaws, but her will to persevere, her ability to never say die outshines the miniscule flaws of hers. she is still perfection at its best. but that is her. not me. and as much as i want to, i cant. i cant live up to her expectations.
for it is an innate weakness in me, that i cant seem to overcome.

ive tried so hard. to be what others expect of me that i find myself losin that essence of who i really am. there are so many sides of me, to the point that i become confuse as to which mask goes with which company. but i get by, i get along. because lying has become second nature to me, that i barely flinch when i look you in the eye and blatantly lie. i dont even feel the twinge of guilt anymore.

it has reached the point where reality slaps me in the face and says 'enough is enough.'
but you don't get it.
damn, even i don't get it. don't even know where this train of thought is leadin me. other than the fact that i'm feelin so screwed over. so effed up.